Breaking the Habit
by kbrewster
Summary: Emily moves to London and stops talking to Hotch. She's trying to get over him, but what happens when Aaron Hotchner himself shows up at Emily's apartment one evening? Rated M according to FFN's new guidelines!


**A/N So this is just a little idea that came to me... I literally and actually have no idea how to smut fic and this is in no way as... well, "smutty" as it could be. But I tried. And I rated it M just to be on the safe side since FFN changed all their rules. Even if you think this sucks please leave me a review! I'd like to get better at this, haha.**

**I don't own CM! **

**-kbrewster.**

Emily was sprawled out on the couch of her new apartment in London, trying to focus her attention on the book that sat in her lap. Her thoughts kept drifting elsewhere and before long she shut the book with a sigh, sitting it on the coffee table in front of her. Sergio came out of hiding to jump up on the couch next to her. He had taken the flight from DC to London much harder than Emily thought he would, and for days he'd only come out from under the bed when he wanted to be fed.

"You just want me to feed you, don't you buddy?" she asked the cat as he jumped off the couch and slinked into the kitchen.

"Thought so," Emily laughed to herself as she rose from the couch and made her way into the small kitchen, filling Sergio's bowl once she got there. She reached down to pet the cat on his head before she went back into the living room and flopped back down on the couch.

She had been in London for almost two weeks and at her new job for one. She liked it- it was a bit overwhelming at first, but she was slowly learning the ropes. Clyde had been helping her, teaching her how to be a leader. She learned fast, and was on her way to becoming one of the most successful Interpol team leaders in quite some time.

She missed the team like crazy, but she kept in touch with them. She knew her leaving was the best thing for everyone. This way, they could all remain friends without having to be reminded of what happened with Doyle. She wished she lived closer, but she knew she hadn't seen the last of Washington DC. Even if she didn't go back, she felt like at least Garcia would track her down and kidnap her.

The only person she hadn't talked to since she left was Aaron Hotchner. He'd called her, he'd texted her, and he'd even emailed her. But she hadn't responded to him. What was she supposed to say to him? Certainly not that the reasons for her leaving extended even farther than just needed to try and escape the effects of the Doyle fiasco. She couldn't tell him that ever since he'd worked for her mother when she was in college she'd had somewhat of a crush on him. That would just be embarrassing. She'd never admit to him that when they'd- no, when _he_- ended their little fling just a few months ago that she cried herself to sleep. She couldn't tell him how heartbroken she'd been when she learned he had a girlfriend. She hated that she felt that way. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was Aaron Hotchner. Hotch had been through so much, and he deserved someone like Beth; someone who made him happy, someone who understood the job, someone who was also good to Jack. He didn't deserve someone like Emily Prentiss. She was far too messed up and broken, she knew that. She'd known that for years.

So, that was another reason why she decided to take the job in London. She wouldn't have to mask her feelings anymore, she could ignore them completely. That was exactly how Emily liked to handle things, by simply not doing so.

Emily was just about to turn the TV on find some mindless entertainment, when she heard a knock on the door. Her heartbeat increased instantly. She knew feeling so paranoid was silly now, she had absolutely nothing to be afraid of anymore. But that didn't stop her from slowly rising from her spot on the couch and gradually making her way over to the door. She considered quickly running upstairs to get her gun out of the top drawer of her dresser, but decided against it. She wouldn't need it. Before she opened the door, she took a look through the peephole. The sight she saw before her stunned her, almost to the point of immobility.

Was Hotch seriously standing outside her door? In London? Was this actually happening? A million questions raced through Emily's mind, and before she had time to think she found herself flinging the door open.

"Hotch?" She asked in disbelief, angry at herself for not being able to think of something else to say.

"Hey," Hotch said softly.

She stood there for a few more seconds, blinking several times, making sure this was actually happening.

"Sorry, come on in," Emily said as she stepped back and allowed him room to come into the apartment.

He nodded and walked in; slipping off his coat which Emily took from him and hung on the coat rack by the front door.

"Do you want me to get you anything? Coffee? Tea?" Emily asked awkwardly as she led Hotch into the living room, motioning for him to sit down on the couch.

"I'm okay, thanks though," he said with a small smile.

"Okay…" Emily said as she said on the couch next to him, as close to the arm as she could get without actually sitting on it. Without thinking about it, Emily picked at her nails, something she hadn't done in a few weeks.

"So, how are you?" Hotch asked.

_He flew all the way from DC to London… and he asks how I am?_ Emily thought. "I'm good… all settled in and whatnot. You came at a good time, everything's all clean," she tried joking to lighten the mood, but it didn't really seem to work.

"How's Declan?" Hotch questioned.

"Um, he's fine. Tom's able to stay home for the rest of the school year, and then Declan flies out here and I have full custody," Emily explained. She'd filed for adoption as soon as Doyle had died, but she didn't want to uproot him from what he already knew, so for now, Declan's adoptive father was taking care of him when he was home from school. Declan would move in with her in just a very few short weeks, and then she was left to learn how to be a mom to twelve year old boy. She knew she could do it, she'd wanted him to be hers ever since he was a small boy, and now the opportunity for that had come, and she wasn't about to pass that up. It helped also that Declan called her a few times a week, and every time he called he mentioned how excited he was.

"Well that's good," Hotch said as she sent her a small smile, he knew how much Declan meant to her.

"How did you get here? I mean… how'd you get away from the team? And what about Jack?" Emily questioned aloud.

"We're on stand down for cases, so I took some personal time. Jessica has Jack with her, visiting Haley's family. So I thought I'd come here." Hotch explained.

"Uh huh," Emily nodded slowly. She was growing more uncomfortable by the minute, so she spoke up after a moment of awkward silence.

"You didn't come here to ask me how I am, or to ask about Declan," she said bluntly. "Are you planning on telling me what you're really doing here?" Emily asked.

Hotch sighed. "Emily, you won't talk to me. The team always talks about how they've talked to you, and they ask me if I've spoken to you. I have to lie because you won't call me back. You won't even _email _me. What's going on?"

Emily laughed sardonically. How was she supposed to explain this to him? Would he even understand it? She didn't know, but she supposed there was no way she could avoid him since he was sitting on her couch.

"It's nothing, Hotch. I wasn't happy where I was, so I made a change," she said as she stood from the couch and wandered into the kitchen, still within earshot of Hotch, but at least she didn't have to sit next to him. She had too much pride to allow herself to open up to Hotch so quickly.

"No, I mean why won't you talk to me?" He pressed.

Emily gripped the counter top with both hands. "It's nothing,"

"It's not nothing," Hotch said, she could hear him moving towards the kitchen. She spun around; he was standing in front of her now, close enough where she could reach out and touch him… or smack him.

Emily sighed and closed her eyes for a long moment.

"Does it really matter, Hotch? I'm happy, you're happy. There's no need to get into this right now," Emily argued.

"_Are _you happy? Emily, you're thousands of miles away from us… from me," He added the last two words softly, his voice hardly above a whisper.

"What are you doing?" Emily challenged, crossing her arms over her chest. "In case you forgot, you and I aren't together anymore. I'm not sure if we ever really _were. _But that doesn't matter now, because it's in the past. And if I'm not mistaken, you have Beth. And you're really good together, Hotch. She makes you smile. She's good to Jack. She's a good person. Don't let her get away because I left. I know you and I have a history that's not easily explained, but that's not important now. What's important is you finding that happiness you deserve," Emily said honestly, hoping she made sense. She felt like she was rambling, and she knew she was talking fast. If she didn't say it now, she knew she never would.

"Beth and I aren't seeing each other anymore," Hotch confessed, looking down at the floor.

Emily's face softened at the news. "You're… you're not?" They seemed so happy at the wedding. Emily figured they would be together for many years to come, especially since he'd introduced her to Jack.

"No, we're not. I wanted to tell you weeks ago… but I haven't really been able to get in touch with you." He shrugged.

Emily felt terrible. He probably needed a friend after the breakup, but she was being selfish.

"I'm sorry…" she mumbled awkwardly, tugging at the hem of her shirt.

"It's okay. You didn't know." Hotch told her honestly.

"Do you want to go sit back down? Talk about it?" Emily offered, earning a nod from Hotch.

They went back into the living room, sitting down on the couch, the atmosphere less tense than before. The tension was replaced with sadness. Emily bit her lip as she waited for Hotch to talk.

"Do you want to know why I took an interest in Beth in the first place?" Hotch asked. Emily nodded.

"She reminded me of you." Hotch confided quietly, looking up from the floor to meet Emily's eyes.

She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. What was she supposed to say to that?

"I…" she tried, but Hotch held up a hand, signaling he was going to explain.

"I didn't know what it was at first… you both had dark hair, but it extended beyond that. At work you put on this façade, you compartmentalized, and you separated your personal life. It makes you a great agent, but when we were together I got to see the real you. I got to see the Emily who plays with toy cars because my seven year old son asked her to. I got to see the Emily that begged me to make pancakes every Saturday morning. I got to see you being flirty and romantic… and Beth was like that all the time. I thought maybe… If I couldn't have you, I could have the next best thing. But dammit, Emily, the whole time I was with her I just wanted it to be you."

Emily was speechless. Hotch just bore his soul to her, and all she could do was stare at him, studying him, wondering how she should respond.

After a few minutes, Emily found her voice. "I don't… exactly know how to respond to this, Hotch. I just… I need to know why you ended whatever it was we had. It was never official; at least we never said it out loud. And I'm going to be completely honest with you when I say it was the best thing I've had in a long time. We were just… good together. We knew how to make the other feel better. We knew when to press and we knew when to leave the other alone. And then one day you just… said we should stop seeing each other. But you never told me why… and then I had to leave, and…" she trailed off. She took a breath before continuing. "And if you want me to be completely honest, I'm fucked up, Hotch. I don't know if I'll ever go back to the old Emily. I don't even know if I want to…" She added, fighting off threatening tears.

"What do you mean?" Hotch asked her.

"I mean… that I don't know how to get through this. The therapy sessions didn't help, because I'm too proud to admit when I need help. I lie about how I feel because that's what I was raised to do. And even if I had told the whole truth about what I was feeling or how I was dealing with this stupid situation, I probably would have been taken off the team. Then what? That scared me more than anything else. I just wanted to be with all of you again. I wanted to be able to feel like I belonged somewhere again. I wanted to be accepted. But instead I got sympathetic looks from _everyone_, including you. Everyone acted differently around me, and no matter what I did to compensate, it didn't help. It didn't make this… feeling I have go away. So I thought about buying that house in DuPont Circle. I wanted it, but then when I got it, I didn't know what to do with it. I realized all too quickly that that house wasn't going to fix all my problems. Then, Clyde offered me this job here. I really, really like this job. It's a lot easier than I thought it'd be, and I pretty much have control over everything. Because of that, I'll get to spend time with Declan. Yeah, I might be away a bit, but I can work around it. It's good for the both of us. We needed a change. Declan's even told me he's excited to move in with me. Apparently people at school keep talking about what happened with Doyle, and you know how kids are, there's at least 50 different rumors going around about it. It's starting to really get on his nerves, and he's glad he can come here where nobody knows his name, where he can start over."

Emily paused; making sure Hotch was still with her.

"The old Emily, the one that you're talking about, wouldn't have taken Declan in. She would have wanted to, but she would have chickened out last minute. Because that's what old Emily did. She didn't take risks. She didn't let people in. She sat at home alone on weekends and watched crappy television and ate ice cream. The new Emily? She just wants to change. She wants to be a mom to a little boy who needs comfort and a familiar face, and that's exactly what she plans on doing. I don't want to be the same woman you were with. I can't go back to her because she's been through too much. I have to start over," Emily explained. "I know that doesn't make sense because I talk to everybody but you… but… I _love _you, Aaron," she admitted, his first name feeling strange coming from her mouth.

"I've loved you for so goddamn long, and I finally thought that maybe you loved me too, but instead you just… ended it. That broke me more than I let on to anybody. And even though you broke my heart and made me feel like a vulnerable teenager all over again; even though I hated you for a little bit, I never stopped loving you. That's what was holding me back. I couldn't start over if I had to see you every day. I know that doesn't seem fair, and it seems selfish…" she stopped when she felt Hotch take her hands in his.

"I love you, Emily. I always have. That was the main reason I had to let you go… I was scared that I'd start worrying about you too much in the field. I was afraid that somehow would end up getting you hurt. Look at what happened with Haley. I know you don't need me to protect you, but that comes with the territory of being loved. Those who love you want to protect you. I didn't break up with you because I hated you, or because of anything you did. You know that, right?" Hotch asked her.

"I know that now," Emily admitted as she wiped at her eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry,"

"You have nothing to be sorry for. It's my fault," Hotch said soothingly, running his thumbs across the back of her hand.

"I ran away again. Instead of just… talking to not only you, but the whole team about how I was feeling, I ran. Only this time I just came to London and changed jobs. But it's the same stupid habit I've had my entire life. Maybe I'm incapable of becoming this 'new Emily' I was going on about…" Emily sighed as she pulled away from Hotch's hands and sank into the couch cushions.

"You don't have to run anymore, Emily. You're here now, and that sucks, but you still have the team. You still have me," Hotch said gently.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Emily asked into the pillow she had buried her head into.

Hotch gently pulled her up, so she was leaning into his side.

"It means that you can run to the ends of the earth, but I'm always going to show up at your apartment to ask you how you are,"

Emily looked up and smiled at him. "What would you have done if I'd simply not answered the door? Or gotten my gun from the bedroom?"

"I knew you'd let me in," He shrugged.

"Will you kiss me now?" Emily teased.

"If I have to," Hotch smiled as his lips met hers.

Before long the kiss deepened, Emily's tongue sliding in between his lips. Emily skillfully moved to straddle Hotch without breaking the kiss. She ran her fingers through his hair as he cupped her breasts in his hands. He smiled at her little moans of pleasure.

They pulled away only to breathe.

"So, Mister Hotchner," Emily purred into his ear. "What do you say we take this into the bedroom?"

"I thought you'd never ask," He winked as she rose from his lap and led him by the hand into the back of her apartment where the bedroom was.

Hotch sat on the bed, propped up against the headboard, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"Where were we?" he asked her as she practically pounced on him, straddling him once again.

"I think," she growled as she tugged at her shirt and pulled it over her head, tossing it to the ground. "We were right about here," she said as she kissed Hotch's neck, gradually making her way back to his mouth.

After several minutes, Hotch made a move to unclasp her bra, but Emily pulled away, smiling seductively.

"Take off your shirt." She demanded huskily.

"Yes ma'am," Hotch smirked as he did as she requested, tossing the fabric somewhere across the room. "Now can I take off your bra?"

Emily leaned closer to him, allowing him easier access. "By all means,"

He unclasped the bra, flinging it to some other part of the bedroom. Emily giggled, and kissed Hotch again, as he ran his hands up and down her body. She started at his mouth and trailing them down his neck, chest, and stomach. When she reached the waistline of his pants, she stopped and looked up at him.

"These are in the way…" she insinuated.

Hotch smirked again, moving her hands away from the button on his jeans. "I'm not so sure I want to take them off," he teased.

"_Aaron_," Emily whined. "Please take off your pants for me," she begged, sticking out her bottom lip.

"Well…" he pretended to contemplate. "You _did _take off your shirt for me, didn't you?"

"Uh huh," Emily drawled, moving herself from Hotch's lap to sit up beside him.

Hotch unbuttoned the button slowly, knowing he was probably driving Emily crazy.

Emily huffed impatiently. "Aaron you know I hate that. Besides, it's pretty obvious you want to take those off…" she motioned towards the noticeable bulge in Hotch's jeans.

"I know," he grinned.

"Aaron Hotchner!" Emily chastised as she leaned into his side, lifting her head to bite at the lobe of his ear.

"Yes?"

"Can we _please _just have sex now?" She groaned as she moved to take off her own pants, kicking them off and shoving them to the end of the bed.

"Since you asked me so nicely," Hotch said, finally taking off his own pants. Before he even had them all the way off Emily practically threw herself on top of him. She kissed him passionately, both of them moaning with pleasure as Hotch entered her, their hips rolling in perfect synchronization. They both know, without even saying it, that whatever happened later, neither of them would regret this night.

Hours later, Hotch and Emily lay naked under the covers next to each other. Hotch was gently running his fingers through Emily's untamed hair, and she was lying close to him, her arm draped over his torso. Neither of them were saying anything, but they didn't really need to.

"Hey," Emily said softly as she looked up at Hotch.

"Hmm," Hotch acknowledged.

"Thank you. For coming here, for explaining things," Emily expressed.

"Thank you for letting me," Hotch replied gently, pressing a soft kiss to Emily's forehead.

"You know, if you'd come by a week ago… I don't know if I'd have let you in," Emily admitted. "I would have probably just pretended I wasn't here until you went away, because I knew for me to really move on I had to get over you," she added.

"What was different today?" Hotch questioned curiously.

"I realized I don't want to get over you," Emily explained simply. "I don't know what that means for me, for us, but I just- I just know trying to give you up completely was more difficult than I ever imagined it being, but I thought- I thought you were happy with Beth and I didn't want to do anything to compromise that,"

"I don't want to get over you, either." Hotch agreed.

Emily smiled briefly before speaking up again. "So… what does that mean for us?" Emily asked.

"It means you'll be here in London, and I'll be back in DC, but we can make it work. I'll come visit you as much as I can, and if you don't come visit I'm pretty sure JJ and Garcia will go into a rage. There's always the phone, and we can Skype, too." Hotch figured.

"Sounds like you've been thinking about this for a while," Emily joked.

"I told you, I knew you'd let me in," Hotch smiled.

"I love you," Emily admitted, saying the words she'd felt for so long but hadn't been able to say to him.

"I love you, too," He replied as they snuggled farther down into the blankets, sleep threatening to take over them. As Emily's eyes fluttered closed, she felt herself smiling. She didn't know what kind of relationship she and Hotch would end up having, but all that mattered was that they had one. It was all because Emily took a chance, she broke free of her habit of running away and masking her feelings, and she let someone in. It was a bit scary at first, but now she was glad she did it. Maybe she really had changed for the better this time, she thought before falling asleep in Hotch's arms.


End file.
